This section is broken up into two parts: Questions that pertain to being in love, and questions that pertain to being heart broken. If your questions are not answered by what others have already asked, please email me and I will answer them as soon as possible.
A: Jeff, only you can decide when or if you really love someone. As I said before in "My Great Love Story," with Mary I knew almost instantaneously that I loved her. However it took as being together several months, I think about five or six for us to validate that feeling to one another. When it did finally happen, it came out in an argument. I had been telling my friends for three months prior to that how I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I did not know how. You have to trust your heart, if you do not think you love her then you probably don't. Love is not really a logical thought that we guys can analyze. Love is a powerful feeling that makes think out of the ordinary, act out of character. Loves makes us falling asleep wanting to wake up so we can spend time with that person tomorrow. Love is what gets us through the day so we can spend time with that person at night. These are just a few examples of being in love, largely from my own experience. Every person will describe loving someone in their own unique way as we each have our own unique "love needs." If you do not think you love this person, or believe she is not right for you, it might be time to really evaluate the relationship and decide if it is worth continuing. If it is not get out of it now and start searching for your real love.
A: Greg, congratulations, that is awesome! I cannot offer you any advice; only you can decide what is going to be right and appropriate for you and your girlfriend's relationship. I would however suggest to make sure the proposal comes from the heart. I am a big fan of an overly romantic proposal, if you are the romantic type then make it romantic. If you are not, but your girlfriend is, try to make the experience memorable from her. Remember, many women spend their lives fantasizing about the day they get married. One of the most memorable and important points in that fantasy is the way they are asked to be someone's wife. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
A: Jen, I am sorry for your loss and I know how you feel. Being told someone who you love does not love you anymoreis the worst feeling in the world. It is very true that he may not love you right now, or at least think he does not. From what you have described, it sounds like he may not even love himself and that he is completely dependent on you for his own existence. Perhaps this is the time he needs to grow and figure out his own issues. Perhaps this is the time you need to evaluate your own life and decide if you really want to be a caregiver to someone like your ex who seemingly has you doing everything for him. Trust that what you felt for him was real love. If that love is strong enough it will inspire you both to grow so perhaps you may have an even greater love in the future.
A: Mike, did you love this girl? If you did, then the reason is you probably still love her and the feeling you felt the next morning is guilt. It simply means you are not ready to move on to someone else. The advice your buddies gave you was, at least they think, in your best interest. Society has taught us that men are supposed to be tough about these things and not show emotion. This stereotype is one of the main motivators behind me creating this website, to show it is ok for us men to feel and to care. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on and start dating or sleeping with other women. When you share a bond as powerful as love it is often times not easily broken, especially if you are the one who was left. Be true to yourself Mike. If you are sad, be sad, but don't try to ignore what you are feeling on the advice of others. As I have said before in my own stories, now is a great time to do something for you that you have always wanted.
A: To answer the first half of your question Ashley, please read the reply to "Jen in Colorado," as your cases are similar. I can tell you that guys sometimes do need to be introspective with themselves. We are not taught or raised to be great emotional communicators like women are and want us to be. We can learn how to be, but that typically is not the case. A lot of what he is projecting onto you could quite possibly be his own issues and insecurities. Perhaps a major event happened in your guys' lives that caused him to get really scared. To answer the second part of your question, "can I ever love someone the way I loved him again?" I cannot answer that personally as I am still struggling with finding the answer as I recover from my loss of Mary. I have friends that have said it is possible, I do not know if I fully believe them with. However, I will share with you a personal story. A few days ago I was talking with a couple of my good friends. We were talking about life and I was giving them some advice on their careers. My friends and I started talking about all the personal growth I have done the last 5+ months since Mary left. They said that maybe Mary leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told them that for what I have been able to do and accomplish internally and in my own life in such a short time; yes it has been a great opportunity for me to grow. Something I would have never been able to do this soon or at as rapid of a rate if Mary and I were still together. I then told them that despite all the growth and all the changes, there is not a day that goes by where I still do not miss Mary every hour of every day. I told them that I still feel like she is the love of my life and I wish more than anything I could be sharing my life with her right now, but all I can do is try to live my best life possible and leave the rest up to God and her to determine if we belong together. I know that does not fully answer your question, but maybe it will help. The best advice I can give you is to work on loving yourself to your greatest capacity, after that all you can do is try to keep the faith that the road you travel will lead you to your destiny.
A: Sorry about the lateness of my reply, I have been trying to balance my time with my work, this website, and also getting ready for the holidays.
Let me first start off by saying how deeply sorry I am for your loss, I know what you must be going through right now and I feel your pain - there is nothing, no pain in this world that can even come close to comparing to that of a broken heart. It is essentially like morning a death, but worse because someone dying is sometimes easier to except than someone leaving.
To answer your questions, yes it will get easier, but I cannot tell you when. It has been five and a half months almost to the day since Mary let me, and I still miss her horribly, but I am now to a point where I can live my life, try and love myself, and be strong for others. There are still times I have an overwhelming sadness not being with her, last night was a perfect example where I just did not want to do anything but lie in bed and watch movies because I did not want to face the world I was missing her so much.
Some of the best ways to help ease your pain is write all your thoughts and feelings down into a journal. Writing is one of the most amazingly therapeutic tools we have access to. Write down what you loved about your relationship, your flaws, his flaws, everything. It allows you to be expressive and also provides you with a platform to grow so down the road you can look back and read over it all. I still re-read my journal I wrote, and I still add to it on occasion. I have yet to read it where I do not cry, however I can also read it now and reflect on where I was at that dark time in my life (immediately post break up) and see how much I have grown now. If you have not started writing, start now. Also, like i said on my website, a therapist is a great place to go to. It helps to have someone to listen to and help guide your sometimes-overwhelming feelings.
Your children are one of the greatest treasures you can be given. You are right, you must try to be strong for them, but do not turn your feelings off. During the day and the times you are around them, poor every ounce of love you have and are able to into them. Love them so much that they will be smothered by mom's love. Then when they are not around allow yourself to feel the pain you are feeling. This is the perfect time to write in your journal and reflect on the day you just had, or even the last few hours.
As far as your car, house, etc... I cannot help you there, as I am not sure of the legality of it all. If you like I can try to find a website that might point you in the right direction of some local resources in the area you live in to assist you in this.
Do not blame yourself for not seeing the affair going on. We all have our own insecurities and issues. You married your husband and wanted him to love you and no other. You married him assuming he would love you and be faithful to you no matter what. Love is blinding, it is very hard to see faults and flaws in the one we love. So do not be upset with yourself, you did nothing but try and love him with all your being.
His affair, I am willing to bet, most likely stems from his own insecurities. Men have the same, sometimes more insecurities than women do. With us, society does not embrace us talking about them, but instead we have to burry them inside of us for fear that if we open up with our feelings we will be looked at as being sissy's. What his insecurities and issues are I cannot tell you, but as time goes on you will be able to recognize them more and more. I can almost guarantee you that the relationship he is having with this other woman will not last. He may be having beliefs of bliss right now, but for him to stumble into it, not fully loving himself, he is setting himself up for a revolving door of relationships like that.
Try and be strong, I am here to listen and offer advice if you need it. Thank you again for sharing your story with me. I hope the above helped.