Questions & Answers

This section is broken up into two parts: Questions that pertain to being in love, and questions that pertain to being heart broken. If your questions are not answered by what others have already asked, please email me and I will answer them as soon as possible.

Love Questions

Q: How do you know when you are in love? I have been with my girlfriend for five months and we have not told each other we love each other because I do not know if I do. I have friends who were with their significant others for much less time and were already exchanging "I love you's." Does this mean we do not love each other? Is this the relationship I should be in? (submitted by Jeff in Little Rock Arkansas)

A: Jeff, only you can decide when or if you really love someone. As I said before in "My Great Love Story," with Mary I knew almost instantaneously that I loved her. However it took as being together several months, I think about five or six for us to validate that feeling to one another. When it did finally happen, it came out in an argument. I had been telling my friends for three months prior to that how I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I did not know how. You have to trust your heart, if you do not think you love her then you probably don't. Love is not really a logical thought that we guys can analyze. Love is a powerful feeling that makes think out of the ordinary, act out of character. Loves makes us falling asleep wanting to wake up so we can spend time with that person tomorrow. Love is what gets us through the day so we can spend time with that person at night. These are just a few examples of being in love, largely from my own experience. Every person will describe loving someone in their own unique way as we each have our own unique "love needs." If you do not think you love this person, or believe she is not right for you, it might be time to really evaluate the relationship and decide if it is worth continuing. If it is not get out of it now and start searching for your real love.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. I think we are finally at a good point in our occupational and personal lives where it is time for us to take the next step. I want to propose to her, but I am not sure how. Any suggestions? (submitted by Greg in Burbank California)

A: Greg, congratulations, that is awesome! I cannot offer you any advice; only you can decide what is going to be right and appropriate for you and your girlfriend's relationship. I would however suggest to make sure the proposal comes from the heart. I am a big fan of an overly romantic proposal, if you are the romantic type then make it romantic. If you are not, but your girlfriend is, try to make the experience memorable from her. Remember, many women spend their lives fantasizing about the day they get married. One of the most memorable and important points in that fantasy is the way they are asked to be someone's wife. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Questions about Heartbreak

Q: My Boyfriend of nine months told me the other day that he does not love me anymore and does not want to be with me. Why? I did everything for him... I did his laundry, cleaned up after him, picked him up many nights drunk from the bars, and now I am the one who's rejected, why? (submitted from Jen in Colorado)

A: Jen, I am sorry for your loss and I know how you feel. Being told someone who you love does not love you anymoreis the worst feeling in the world. It is very true that he may not love you right now, or at least think he does not. From what you have described, it sounds like he may not even love himself and that he is completely dependent on you for his own existence. Perhaps this is the time he needs to grow and figure out his own issues. Perhaps this is the time you need to evaluate your own life and decide if you really want to be a caregiver to someone like your ex who seemingly has you doing everything for him. Trust that what you felt for him was real love. If that love is strong enough it will inspire you both to grow so perhaps you may have an even greater love in the future.

Q: My girlfriend left me about 3 weeks ago and I have been pretty down because of it. A few nights ago I went out with some of my buddies and they told me that I just needed to "get laid" and that would help me get over her. I picked up some girl at the bar and we went home together. The next morning I felt awful, almost sick to my stomach. I could not get her out of my house fast enough, why is this? I don't want to tell my friends and have them think I am weird. I don't understand. I have never felt like that before after sleeping with a woman. (submitted by Mike in California)

A: Mike, did you love this girl? If you did, then the reason is you probably still love her and the feeling you felt the next morning is guilt. It simply means you are not ready to move on to someone else. The advice your buddies gave you was, at least they think, in your best interest. Society has taught us that men are supposed to be tough about these things and not show emotion. This stereotype is one of the main motivators behind me creating this website, to show it is ok for us men to feel and to care. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on and start dating or sleeping with other women. When you share a bond as powerful as love it is often times not easily broken, especially if you are the one who was left. Be true to yourself Mike. If you are sad, be sad, but don't try to ignore what you are feeling on the advice of others. As I have said before in my own stories, now is a great time to do something for you that you have always wanted.

Q: I was with my boyfriend for almost two years. I thought we were going to be married one day. He was the love of my life. One day, when I thought everything with us was going great, he told me we should not see each other anymore. He gave no real reason. He said he did not think we had a future together and that he needed time alone. Why would he do this? I feel so completely unloved. I know I am a loving person, but can I ever love someone the way I loved him again? (submitted by Ashley in Orlando Florida)

A: To answer the first half of your question Ashley, please read the reply to "Jen in Colorado," as your cases are similar. I can tell you that guys sometimes do need to be introspective with themselves. We are not taught or raised to be great emotional communicators like women are and want us to be. We can learn how to be, but that typically is not the case. A lot of what he is projecting onto you could quite possibly be his own issues and insecurities. Perhaps a major event happened in your guys' lives that caused him to get really scared. To answer the second part of your question, "can I ever love someone the way I loved him again?" I cannot answer that personally as I am still struggling with finding the answer as I recover from my loss of Mary. I have friends that have said it is possible, I do not know if I fully believe them with. However, I will share with you a personal story. A few days ago I was talking with a couple of my good friends. We were talking about life and I was giving them some advice on their careers. My friends and I started talking about all the personal growth I have done the last 5+ months since Mary left. They said that maybe Mary leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told them that for what I have been able to do and accomplish internally and in my own life in such a short time; yes it has been a great opportunity for me to grow. Something I would have never been able to do this soon or at as rapid of a rate if Mary and I were still together. I then told them that despite all the growth and all the changes, there is not a day that goes by where I still do not miss Mary every hour of every day. I told them that I still feel like she is the love of my life and I wish more than anything I could be sharing my life with her right now, but all I can do is try to live my best life possible and leave the rest up to God and her to determine if we belong together. I know that does not fully answer your question, but maybe it will help. The best advice I can give you is to work on loving yourself to your greatest capacity, after that all you can do is try to keep the faith that the road you travel will lead you to your destiny.

Q:My husband left me a week ago; we were married a little over two years, and were together 4 and half. There were no warnings no nothing. I did a lot of searching and found out he left with another woman. I'm angry and my god does it hurt. I know I sound stupid but I want him to come home and make everything ok. Everything we have our house my car and all the bills are in his name. How could I have not seen he was having an affair. I know he's been doing this for 6 months and we just bought the house in March. Is there any way this will get easier to handle and I can keep everything I have? It hurts to walk, talk and breathe right now. I know I have to go on for my children's sake but it's so hard to take care of them and try to be strong. (submitted by Anonymous)

A: Sorry about the lateness of my reply, I have been trying to balance my time with my work, this website, and also getting ready for the holidays.

Let me first start off by saying how deeply sorry I am for your loss, I know what you must be going through right now and I feel your pain - there is nothing, no pain in this world that can even come close to comparing to that of a broken heart. It is essentially like morning a death, but worse because someone dying is sometimes easier to except than someone leaving.

To answer your questions, yes it will get easier, but I cannot tell you when. It has been five and a half months almost to the day since Mary let me, and I still miss her horribly, but I am now to a point where I can live my life, try and love myself, and be strong for others. There are still times I have an overwhelming sadness not being with her, last night was a perfect example where I just did not want to do anything but lie in bed and watch movies because I did not want to face the world I was missing her so much.

Some of the best ways to help ease your pain is write all your thoughts and feelings down into a journal. Writing is one of the most amazingly therapeutic tools we have access to. Write down what you loved about your relationship, your flaws, his flaws, everything. It allows you to be expressive and also provides you with a platform to grow so down the road you can look back and read over it all. I still re-read my journal I wrote, and I still add to it on occasion. I have yet to read it where I do not cry, however I can also read it now and reflect on where I was at that dark time in my life (immediately post break up) and see how much I have grown now. If you have not started writing, start now. Also, like i said on my website, a therapist is a great place to go to. It helps to have someone to listen to and help guide your sometimes-overwhelming feelings.

Your children are one of the greatest treasures you can be given. You are right, you must try to be strong for them, but do not turn your feelings off. During the day and the times you are around them, poor every ounce of love you have and are able to into them. Love them so much that they will be smothered by mom's love. Then when they are not around allow yourself to feel the pain you are feeling. This is the perfect time to write in your journal and reflect on the day you just had, or even the last few hours.

As far as your car, house, etc... I cannot help you there, as I am not sure of the legality of it all. If you like I can try to find a website that might point you in the right direction of some local resources in the area you live in to assist you in this.

Do not blame yourself for not seeing the affair going on. We all have our own insecurities and issues. You married your husband and wanted him to love you and no other. You married him assuming he would love you and be faithful to you no matter what. Love is blinding, it is very hard to see faults and flaws in the one we love. So do not be upset with yourself, you did nothing but try and love him with all your being.

His affair, I am willing to bet, most likely stems from his own insecurities. Men have the same, sometimes more insecurities than women do. With us, society does not embrace us talking about them, but instead we have to burry them inside of us for fear that if we open up with our feelings we will be looked at as being sissy's. What his insecurities and issues are I cannot tell you, but as time goes on you will be able to recognize them more and more. I can almost guarantee you that the relationship he is having with this other woman will not last. He may be having beliefs of bliss right now, but for him to stumble into it, not fully loving himself, he is setting himself up for a revolving door of relationships like that.

Try and be strong, I am here to listen and offer advice if you need it. Thank you again for sharing your story with me. I hope the above helped.

Heartbreak Tools

  • My Great Love Story

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  • My Story of a Broken Heart

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  • Testimonials

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  • Questions & Answers

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  • Love

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  • Stories of Heartbreak

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  • Your Great Love Stories

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  • Therapy/Counselling

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